Laying it Bare - ONGOING Allyship

We're in the midst of the new Civil Rights Movement, and each one of us has a part to play.   It's so important to figure out how to do the work and how to be helpful.  It's not a box to check and then move on with our day; it's a deep, ongoing journey of learning - to know better and then to do better and to put that action out into the world from the platforms we have.  

As a sexy entertainer and sex worker who helps create and sustain fantasies for audiences and clients, many may want to witness only the glamour and not listen to the grit - or they want to see my parts, but not my politics.  Here's the thing - everything I do as an entertainer, domme, and coach is political as fuck, merely by way of my body, sex and sexuality, and encouraging others to enter braver spaces as well.  I don't compartmentalize myself in my real life, and I will no longer do so in my spaces of public view:  If you want my revealed parts, then in the process you're going to also get my head and heart. 

ACTIVE & VULNERABLE LEARNING with THE OFFICE HOUR PROJECT
I haven't had my blog active since 2014, and I thought this would be the most appropriate reason to bring it back.  As I've mentioned in my social media, there has been personal work I've been doing - to examine myself, my internal narratives, motivations, and actions when it comes to allyship. Thanks to the @theofficehourproject (*FOLLOW*) I’ve had a space where a group of incredible humans have generously offered labor to engage in honest conversation to do so. I submitted a handful of questions, and want to share the process for transparency, accountability, and hopefully to keep this engagement and conversation going with my fellow white folks (feeds are returning back to “normal” or people are taking breaks from social media, and I am fully aware that it is “allyship fatigue” and privileged).

I want to share the full dialogue and process with you all, with hopes that it may help you on your journey to step into braver spaces with active anti-racist and anti-oppression allyship.  Also, because I have a platform and a position of power and privilege, I want to use it.   Below are the first few rounds of communication from one question (out of five that I submitted).  I'll continue to add to the thread and update you all.

Solidarity not charity:  What are the best ways to analyze our giving and helping in this revolution to dismantle internalized white supremist behavior by way of saviorism? 

​​I am a helper by nature – I have been my whole life.  Because of my upbringing, I developed a bit of a savior complex with my family members that continued into my 20s and 30s with loved ones.  Once my therapist called me on it, I got to work on relinquishing it.  Because of that old tendency I dialogue with myself anytime I want to help, to make sure I can clearly identify and align my motivations as well as acknowledge that I see those I wish to help as equals.  When the call to action went public for us to raise awareness, raise funds, and get out into the streets to lend a hand for the Movement, I’ve been doing personal assessments of action before springing to it.  Are there additional considerations I can take responsibility for (or that others can employ) to address any white savior behaviors that, are rooted in unchecked, ingrained racism?  

The Office Hour Collective (OHC):
Here's the full text of what our team members had shared:  

1. A good question to hold as your move forward is whether or not you’re supporting the efforts that are already being made in marginalized communities to regain their own agency and lead their own reforms and initiatives. This organizing is most likely already happening and being led by community leaders. Support them and follow their lead. 
2. You also need to check your transphobia, homophobia and misogyny as well. Don’t just show and do the work for heterosexual cis-gender black men- show up and do the work for black LGBTQ, cis and trans black women as well. Far too often, there is less outrage and action for these groups of people within the black community. Your activism needs to be intersectional and you must acknowledge that the capitalist society we all have to survive wasn’t designed for black people at all.
3. Support the people who are already doing the work. Realizing there are others out there that are much further along in the work will do wonders to kill off the “white saviour” complex. They know what works, what doesn’t and what is left to be tried. Ask them how you can help and do it. Don’t be miffed if they ask you to do something that isn’t glamorous, that’s where real help is needed (and EVERYONE wants to be in the spotlight - especially saviours).
4. Critical self-awareness is so important and I am glad to hear that you continuously assess where your intention to help is coming from. I am glad to hear that you are using your natural helper tendency to fuel your advocacy effort. 

I am going to elaborate on the points made above a bit. Historically, the helpers help those in need on the surface, short-term level so that they can unintentionally or intentionally maintain their power and position. Those in need are still dependent on whatever charity is given to them. When helping is done through the lens of liberation, helping means getting those in need to be in a social position where they do not have to depend on any charitable help to grow and heal. With this idea in mind, I know you can see that amplifying BIPOC voices is still that help-on-the-surface-level. It’s still that help that you can pat yourself on the back for doing something good. It’s good. It’s simply not liberatory. It’s simply not sustainable. 
​
What helps organize my thoughts is categorizing “help” into three groups:

1. Within yourself: This is what you are already doing. Educating yourself and unpacking your privileges. 
2. Within your social circles : Use your platform to engage those in your circles about liberation for all or anti-oppression, which you are also already doing. I would love to invite you to be even more strategic with your effort. An idea that came to my mind was having some actionable steps ready to share or some organizations to donate to whenever you responded to a “thank you for the work you are doing” comment.  
3. Within your larger community: Each BIPOC-led, trans-led community organization is at a different stage of development. The best way to help is asking what each organization needs right now for them to continue their work in one year, three years, five years. Then, you can organize and mobilize from there. I do not have a blanket answer because it is more impactful for allies to listen to the community and collaborate with the community leaders. This way the partnership is equal and there is no hierarchy of helper-helpee. 
   
   

Because I am a cheesy helper, I am going to end my response with this quote below:

“If you have come here to help me you are wasting your time, but if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”― Lilla Watson

Me:
Dear Office Hour Collective,  
Thank you for the energy, honesty, wisdom, and care that you have poured into these responses.  I wanted to let you know that although this reply is later than I had desired, it is not from a lack of engagement in reflection or action – I had calls to action that were home-based and all-encompassing.  However, I am noticing an overall downshift in posts about the revolution among my white peers, and so I know the silence, breaks from social media, and resuming posts to “go back to normal” is the luxury of white privilege.  I step back into this learning space with you all to keep my own commitment strong, and to share this process in my social media platforms for accountability.

Solidarity not charity: The first question I proposed about showing up as the helper while assessing “white savior” tendencies – I admit to asking the question to help myself steer the course, while also asking because I was having feelings about some of what I was seeing on social media.  If something that someone else is doing or posting “pings” for me, I turn the mirror toward myself to make sure it’s not reflecting something in me that needs tending.  In revisiting behaviors I unpacked with my family, I was put into a position of parenting and making choices for others.  When I coach or am in domina mode, I am “in charge”, with the understanding that others have come to me with their goals and have entrusted my expertise and knowledge to assist them to reach them.   But with all positions, I am ultimately following the needs of the people I'm serving.

With the Revolution, being able to use the lens of “follow the lead of Black & POC folks already doing the work” has been affirming.  It would be delusional for me to claim that allies don’t approach this work for some sense of satisfaction (the debate of altruism).  What has been helpful with your insight is clarifying the desire to feel purposeful, contributing, and liberatory vs a self-congratulatory box-checker. I may be a leader in some circles, but I fully acknowledge that I do not know what is best here.  I am not a leader in this work and don’t need or want to be in charge; I find myself stepping back to support what is already being done, holding space for those doing work, or supporting individual humans in ways I can (non-glamorous, behind-the-scenes) so that they may focus on what they need to do .

In regards to the 3 categories of help outlined in the last email:

• Community at large: 
  The calls to action have changed since the uprising began here in Minneapolis.  The urgency of the first few weeks was clear with how to engage in and show up – whether marching, protesting, overnight neighborhood watch, cleaning up, or gathering/distributing donations.  As those needs shifted, I felt a little lost and wondered if I should spearhead something publicly and use my small platform to help keep things in focus. Ego-check: Nope. Find others to follow. (Thank you) There are BIPOC, LGBTQIA, and other marginalized community activists I follow in the Twin Cities, and so I prioritized my feed with their posts.  It has felt more productive for me to follow their calls to action that are needed for the day (especially contacting politicians when I am home) and finding the daily post of “Ways to physically show up for the movement” with rallies and volunteer needs. 
  
  I came across an infographic that showed a funnel explanation of “Narrowing Down Your Action”.  I don’t feel as though I have a clear direction yet of one place or organization to direct my efforts.  Like many performers, I lost my income with COVID, and so contributing through effort and posting is my only option.  But as you mentioned, I will keep checking in with the leaders and see where I can be of service.
  
  
• Inner Circle 
  • Social Media: Thank you for the note on adding actionable steps for those who were responding to my posts with “Thank you for the work you are doing” comments.  I immediately employed it – with actionable steps, and also turning the “spotlight” on others.  When they praised me, I created space for them to share what they had done or were doing.  In earlier posts I would state that I was one of many doing work.  I initially failed to use those opportunities for others to become engaged.  What I discovered was that many who were praising me didn’t have much to share yet as far as their own efforts – so I encouragingly added suggestions in comments and continued conversations in PMs with more resources and actionable steps.  There were deeper talks about how the “good vibes” line of new-age reasoning (which my woo self leans toward) was too passive, vague, complicit, and borderline insulting in these situations.  
    
    I still go back and forth on how to engage with social media right now -but I have always been back-and-forth with my relationship to it – when it comes to the posting about it vs. actually living/doing balance (“if a tree falls in the forest…), or posturing vs. sincerity.  Since so many are taking a break after going hard posting for the revolution on social media, and my own “pinging” about that choice being privilege at play, I feel I should still share regularly and repost articles. And I definitely share when BIPOC community asks me to boost a signal on something.
    
    I am going to ask the person responsible for the daily “Show up” posts if I may repost.  I wonder: How much posting or resharing is passive if I don’t say what actions I am doing?  I will not report everything, because that feels tip-toey into self-congratulatory territory – but I am committed to staying visible in my efforts, keeping conversations going, and navigating discomfort.  My posts have generated responses that have uncovered biases and racist beliefs held by family members that have surprised and saddened me, and so there are many conversations happening.
    
    
  • Home: My spouse, a Black biracial, nonbinary transmasculine human, has been high priority for me to support and follow their lead.  When the first few weeks of immediate crisis shifted, my person shared with me that they were in an ongoing state of trauma, depressed and fearful, no longer able to feel safe in the community and unable to find optimism that others would treat this as more than the fad of the moment.  I won’t go into the specifics of their story, but I will say that even more than ever I now think about the white spaces that my queer POC spouse has had to and continues to navigate through.  The charm, resilience and over-achieving hard work that has served in the past is no longer a false-guarantee of survival.
    
    I do not know the answers for how to feel safe or navigate the trauma, and can only show up with care (from keeping house, cooking meals, embraces, active listening, etc) and follow what they need or want to do, or passing along resources.   “How can I support you?” is something I now ask regularly with my spouse and those in my closest friends circle who are BIPOC, trans and queer when they share what they are going through or thinking about.  I am mindful about not asking for additional emotional labor.
    
    In seeing the effects of the constant slew of articles and theorizing the trauma, I let my spouse know that I was no longer going to process my learning with them without asking or being asked. If they want to talk about something, sure - but I was going to stop asking if they’d seen the news, or share my ‘aha!’ about a deeper level of understanding of things, or quote whatever moved me in what I was reading.  I realize the constant state of alarm that keeps BIPOC people in.
    
    I’ve also found that showing up has also meant staying home – BIPOC beloveds need and deserve space without white people, to be in community, to comfort, and to process.  If I can do housework while they meet up with another trans or queer BIPOC community member, and they come home to the peace of a clean house, I feel helpful.  If I can watch my 2-year-old niece or cook for my sister-in-law to give her break or fuel for the work she is focused on, it feels purposeful. 
    
    I am not sure if the close connection to those I am showing up for makes the work more or less valid.  I always hear the quote “do your bit of good where you are” in my mind, and hope that tending to what shows up right in front of me is right.  Perhaps it’s the simultaneous levels we tend to that makes it so as well, and not just one.
    
    
  • Self:  I am continuing to stay up on current events, to read (or listen to audiobooks) daily, learn history, theory, and to examine and unpack my privilege.  The responsibility to do better, to be equipped with more knowledge, to help in a sustainable and productive way is constant, and the actions are becoming clearer since the uprising began, and with the help of those of you who are willing to say, “Hey – over here.”  
    
    Regardless of who I am married to or who my friends are. I am aware that it is still a privileged position to pick and choose ways to show up (“since I have housework to do today or am watching my niece and can’t go to ___, I’ll listen to this audiobook.”)   But I commit to ongoing awareness, examination, and navigation of my own feelings of guilt and shame around the process as well.

OHC:
Dear Sweetpea,

Wow, thank you very much for your thorough and beautiful response. You have been thinking a lot about anti-oppression work and we drink up every word you share with us. 

What stood out to us overall was your ferocity and ability to go beyond doing and saying the "right thing" and return to the basics of human connection. Yes, the simple human-to-human connection that is the foundation of any community building and organizing. We think you have been doing this outside anti-oppression work when you call to check-in on the burlesque Legends. It is apparent to us that you are transferring those skills to the anti-oppression work with a lot of grace. Of course there are strategic steps we do in order to defund the police or address voting suppression. Underneath all those strategies lie the dignity and humanity in all of us. When you talked about providing childcare for the QTBIPOC in your community to march, that's it. You get it and you are doing community building. Please keep on being human during our liberation movement. 

Community at large: We are so glad to hear that following the QTBIPOC community-based activists feel in alignment with your values. If we may nudge you a bit closer to your discomfort, what is your power and boundary that you still have from your platform, power, and privilege while following the lead of those community organizers? While it is essential that you show up as a guest to the QTBIPOC party, it is equally important to not disavow your power. To follow someone's lead doesn't mean you need to step outside your power. That may not be productive either. In this liberation for all movement, you have so much power to hold other white allies accountable by persistently following up with them... which sounds like you are doing that. In other words, apply the both/and idea here...following the QTBIPOC lead AND using your power creatively to enhance the movement's vibration. 

Inner circle: Thank you for wanting to try our ideas and being more direct and active about inviting others to engage more deeply instead of just "being nice." Without asking you to disclose your personal information, we really believe in the allies' power when they share their personal journey in those posts. If you feel comfortable, we think it adds so much weight and humanity to your story. It may very well inspire those ally newbies to step out of their shame and disrupt their norms. 

Home: You show up for your spouse so beautifully. Yes, secondary or vicarious trauma is a very real and taxing issue even when it helps us process oppression. As much as it has potential to activate or drain your spouse, it also has the potential to deepen the connection between you both. We think whatever you decide to do together will be best. Or, only process it when your spouse brings it up as long as you have another outlet to process your learning (hint: with us and with pleasure). 
You mentioned asking "How can I support you?" That's a beautiful question. Some folks prefer "What do you need now?" Perhaps, there's room for you to play with the question that feels best to you both. 

The close connection and boring work (i.e., child care, cooking, cleaning) are beyond valid if not crucial. These small moments build trust which is so key to having an impactful movement. Again, you are being human with people in your circle and you care for one another while building a solid community. 

This resource makes us think of your discussion: https://issuu.com/nlc.sf.2014/docs/beyondthestreets_final  

Self: Absolutely! Keep resisting while cultivating JOY. Be creative with how you redistribute resources when everyone is so strapped financially. Your commitment to signal boost QTBIPOC's work is significant too! How do you keep a record of those "small victories"? Activating joy and pleasure and self-care are all integral in this work too as you already know. What's your care plan?

We are grateful for your time and energy in this participation. 
​